The husband has his lesson first.

After the pro sees his swing, he says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard!”

“Well, what should I do?” asks the man.

“Hold the club gently,” the pro replied, “just like you’d hold your wife’s breast.”

The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway.

The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can’t wait for her lesson.

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard.”

“What can I do?” asks the wife.

“Hold the club gently, just like you’d hold your husband’s penis.

“The wife listens carefully to the pro’s advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway … about 15 ft.

“That was great,” the pro says. “Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you’re supposed to!” says the pro.

“You play golf?!” asks Jack.

Stevie says, “Yes, I have been playing for years.”

“But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you are blind?” Jack asks.

“I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice,” explains Stevie.

“But how do you putt?” Nicklaus wondered.

“Well,” says Stevie, “I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice.”

Nicklaus says, “What is your handicap?”

“Well, I play off scratch,” Stevie assures Jack. Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, “We must play a game sometime.”

Wonder replies, “Well, people don’t take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole.”

Nicklaus thinks it over and says, “OK, I’m up for that. When would you like to play?”

Stevie replies “I don’t care - any night next week is OK with me.”

Owing to the particular request the tattoo-maker needs the man to have an erection, and, after some trouble, he is able to do his work, so he ‘writes’ “Wendy” and gets his money.

Some days later the same man goes to his gymnasium and after sporting activity he is going to have a shower. While washing, he can see, rather obviously, only the letters W,Y (WendY) on his penis. But he gets stuck when he sees another man with W,Y on his ‘best friend’.

So he gets interested and asks him: “I think you too decided to have a tattoo with the name of your girlfriend. My girl’s name is Wendy. I think your girl also has this name. What a coincidence. Isn’t it?”

The other man shows a big idiotic and cheerful smile and says:

“But what are you thinking! What Wendy! Ha ha ha! I can’t believe it! Wendy! Ha ha ha! My tattoo is ‘Welcome to Marlboro country’, what Wendy??? See you…”

The golfer, annoyed, says, “What is it?”

“It’s a special golf ball,” says the salesman. “You can never lose it!”

“Whattaya mean,” scoffs the golfer, “you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?”

“No problem,” says the salesman. “It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it.”

“Well, what if you hit it into the woods?”

“Easy,” says the salesman. “It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed.”

“Okay,” says the golfer, impressed. “But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?”

“No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I’m telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!”

The golfer buys it at once. “Just one question,” he says to the salesman. “Where did you get it?”

“I found it.”

The stunned doctor replies, “What makes you say that?”

“Well,” says the man holding his hands about a foot or so apart, “my asshole feels this big!”

“Bend over, and let me have a look,” says the doctor.

The guy bends over and sure enough, his asshole is about ten inches across.

“But I thought that elephants only had a long, thin penis?” states the doctor.

“Yeah, I know,” says the agitated man, “but it fingered me first!”

Joe says, “Yes I did.”

“Well,” says the police officer, “it knocked a lamp over, scaring the dog, which raced out of the house onto the highway. A driver rammed into a brick wall to avoid the dog, sending 3 people to hospital. And it’s all because you sliced the ball.”

“Oh my goodness,” says Joe, “is there anything I can do?”

“Yes there is,” the cop says… “Try keeping your head down and close up your stance a bit.”

“Well,” the patient said, “I live in a trailer camp. A gorgeous buxom creature lives in the trailer next to mine. I used to peek into her trailer and I saw that she had a habit.

Each afternoon she would take a hot dog from her refrigerator and put it in a hole on her trailer floor. Then she’d sit on it and have a ball.

She nearly drove me crazy. So I got a bright idea. The other day I got under her trailer and when she slid the hot dog in the hole, I slid it out and slipped my penis up through the hole. She sat down on it and everything was going just great until there was a knock at the door.”

“And then?” asked the doctor.

“Aw hell,” the patient explained, “That’s when she tried to kick it under the stove.”

This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural

tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summmer and,

eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your

worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number

of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be

proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf

ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does,

the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing

partners must solemnly chant “You looked up,” or invoke the wrath of the

universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer’s handicap, the more qualified he deems himself

as an instuctor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate

golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn’t, how do you explain the way it works

against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the

clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone

in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of

a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS

agent — or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same “sleeve” tend to follow one another,

particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: “Nice lag” can usually be translated to “lousy putt.” Similarly,

“tough break” can usually be translated “way to miss an easy one, sucker.”

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one

who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your

score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the

sunset of the same day.

Gina saya, “Momma, whatsa that thing hanging a’down from thata elephant?”

Momma replies, “Thatsa his trunka.”

Gina says, “No, Momma, whatsa that other thing?”

“Oh,” Momma answers, “thatsa his tail.”

“NO, MOMMA, NO,” cries Gina, “whatsa that OTHER thing?”

After a few embarrassed seconds, Momma says, “Oh, dearie, thatsa nothing.”

Guido comes back and it’s Momma’s turn to use the little girls room. While they’re waiting, Gina asks, “Pappa, whatsa that thing hanging down from thata elephant?”

“Thatsa hees trunka.” replies Pappa.

“No, Pappa,” says Gina, “whatsa thata other thing?”

“Oh, thatsa hees tail.” answeres Pappa.

“NOOOOOOOO, PAPPA! THAT thing righta THERE on THATA ELEPHANT!” cries Gina, gesturing and pointing wildly.

“Oh,” says Pappa, “thatsa hees penis.”

Gina looks a little puzzled, turns to Pappa and says, “Momma says thatsa nothing.”

Guido grabs “himself” (in the traditional Italian gesture) and says, “Thatsa because Momma’sa SPOILED!”

On the bus on his way home, an elderly old lady sat down next to him, so he had to scrunch them up to make room for her. He noticed after a while the lady was glancing sideways toward his pockets. A bit embarrassed, he said to the lady, “It`s all right ma`am, they`re just golf balls.”

She nodded and smiled sympathetically and a few moments later said, “Tell me - is that something like tennis elbow?”